I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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