i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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