Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
