I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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