i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
