Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
