i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
