My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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