i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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