the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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