Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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