you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
