I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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