But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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