So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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