we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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