This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
