why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
