I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
