well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
