I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
