I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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