I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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