Tell her she can't have a vagina
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
