Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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