She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
