You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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