I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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