I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
