i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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