Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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