i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
