they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
