I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize