he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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