Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
