tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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