My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
