i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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