Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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