can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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