If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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