who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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