My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
