Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
