What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
