i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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