Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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