A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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