The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
