just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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