I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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