he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
