Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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