Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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