So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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