God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize