I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize