If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize