god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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