'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
