my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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