I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
