i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
